Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
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