we're making bets on your personal life
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
Never go drinking with anime club. End of story.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
Randomize
