Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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