i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
Randomize
