My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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