I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize