I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Landen experienced Greenville for the first time last night. He was awaken by 2 cops and 4 EMS guys this morning in the bed of that truck that is for sale at the swashbuckler carwash, said he was trying to walk to waffle house... Greenville- 1, Landen- 0
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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