I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
Randomize
