Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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