before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
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