11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
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