; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
# days @ Coachella: 1 people i showed how to break it down: 279
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
