I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Randomize
