She said her name was "party"
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
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