I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
You've reached your one pic per night limit. To increase your limit, start conversations before 9 and submit your request for an additional pic before 10.
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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