Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
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