I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
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