you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
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