I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
I still have a little drunk in my system
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
Randomize
