My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
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