he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
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