I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
