Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Randomize
