When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
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