Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Randomize
