you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
