I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize
