When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
All the doctor said was why
Oh god it's open bar.
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