Of course we end up in a gay bar... And I have to tell you there are some hot dudes here, should I pass around your Facebook?
So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize