FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
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