If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
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