I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize