So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
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