Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
