He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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