She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
Randomize
