Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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