Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
Randomize