Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
