he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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