shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
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