im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize
