make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Randomize
