You smell like a Billy Joel song
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
no more duck duck goose at the bar
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
Randomize
