How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
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