I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
Randomize
