So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
I think your dad took our porno
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
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