i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Randomize
