Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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