you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
