I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
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