you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
Randomize