did you get engaged???
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
Randomize