I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Joe is yelling at the trees again.
The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
