Four minutes until I can fart!
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
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