this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Randomize
