I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
i think my cat just said my name.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Randomize
