i think my tv is drunk
Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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