on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
I woke up under a house in Key West
Randomize
