its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Randomize