Why is your signature on my underwear?
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
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