I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
I need mimosas to revive my soul
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
