You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
Randomize
