EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
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