i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
Randomize
