My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
