i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
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