also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
Randomize