M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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