I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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